he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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