Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
