we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
