I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
