he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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