Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
