my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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