she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
please don't ironically join a cult
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