I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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