Someone shit on the floor
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Let's get the cat blown out
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
