Pregnant stripper...not hot.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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