Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Let's get the cat blown out
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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