I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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