i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Randomize
