Nicole vs. Life
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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