you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
