Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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