I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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