If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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