she woke up with a sticky ear
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
