I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
