My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
