david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
