i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
