I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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