when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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