My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
