The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I look better un-naked...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
