we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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