Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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