update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
