We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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