My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
