OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
