he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
