i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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