Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
