Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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