The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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