we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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