You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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