Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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