i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
