did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Randomize
