maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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