I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You brought string cheese to the strip club
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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