i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
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