Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
