Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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