FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
