tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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