Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
