the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
