dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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