walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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