I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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