i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
